“Dear Frances…” Hawaii Herald Column (May 16, 2014)

Here is an excerpt from my “Dear Frances…” column in the Hawaii Herald newspaper from last month (May). For my newest column every month, be sure to get your copy of the Hawaii Herald by subscribing.

Dear Frances,

I’m a caregiver for my wife. She hallucinates that there’s always someone in the bathroom with her when I’m giving her a bath. She said she doesn’t want to be naked in front of other people. This is a constant argument during bath time.

Bob
Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Bob,

These hallucinations are real to her, so deal with them as if they exist instead of saying that no one is there. This may only lead to arguments and frustrations, and we are not respecting her world. Enter her world, which is as normal to her as our own world is to us.

Try this: Open the door of the bathroom and speak to her hallucinations and ask them to leave. Tell them your wife wants privacy, so leave! Use body language and lead them out of the room. Ask your wife, “Did I get everyone out?“ Then close the door.

A minister told me this story. When he visited his father in Japan, he found him cowering in bed, saying the room was filled with tanuki (badger dogs). So the son rolled up some newspaper and went around the room, chasing the imaginary tanuki out of the room. The room was filled with them, so he leapt around and hit the walls and talked to the tanuki, telling them to leave the room. Finally, his father said in Japanese, “Good, good, they’re all gone now.” And then son and father had a good visit.

When my mother said something black was coming out of a painting on her wall, I took the painting down and stored it away.

Elaine Okazaki shared a poem in Breaking the Silence about how she handled her mother’s hallucination. This is an excerpt from her poem, “Humph, I Say.”

. . . Then there’s the night she woke up screaming.
She shouted about that girl and that man in bed with her.
“Where’s the man?” I stammer.
“Next to me, Can’t you see?”
“And where’s the girl?”
“Can’t you see? Against the wall.”
“Well, I say, ‘Let the man sleep against the wall.’
And put the girl next to you.”
“Oh, okay,” she utters.
Back to bed I go.
Humph! Humph! . . .

As you can see, Bob, what may seem bizarre to us, is quite normal in the minds of our loved ones. If we learn to see through their eyes and hear through their ears, perhaps we will learn more of their world instead of being stuck in ours. This may lead us to live in peace with less conflict between caregiver and the ones being cared for.

Aloha,
Frances

Here is the other question I answered in my May column.

Dear Frances,

Will I revert to speaking Japanese when I’m older? I came from Japan 33 years ago and my son is concerned that I will speak Japanese when I get old, and since he speaks only English, he’s worried that he won’t be able to communicate with me and won’t be able to help me. What shall I tell him?

Yoko
Sacramento, Calif.

For my answer, purchase a back issue of the Hawaii Herald through their office.

And here a nice letter that the Herald printed in response to the debut of my column:

Dear Frances:

What a wonderful opportunity for you, to reach out to the community and help resolve issues, or at least minimally reduce pain and angst in these times of the elderly living longer and needing love, care and attention.

Cheers for your new role of “Dear Frances” for the often forgotten folks who dutifully provide love and attention and get little reward of kōkua in their challenging journey.

You are the Band-Aid for this generation, helping to fill the gap. Kudos to you and to The Hawai‘i Herald for focusing on a very real need in a very solitary world of coping and caring.

You have my respect and aloha. And I send you good cheer, knowing you will share and send your compassion for those who need it most. The caregiver, of course; it’s hard work with no pay. They are unsung heroes and you are providing savvy advice for a community that needs it.

Wayne Harada
Honolulu, Hawaii